Tag Archives: Marriage
White women marry black men because they can’t get a white man to marry them. Original story: So why did I marry a black guy?
So let’s begin:
As most of you know, my husband Al is black. Actually I hate that word, but I’m going to use it this one time so just in case you’re new here, you’ll understand exactly what I mean. But Al’s actually just a human being, like me, who happens to have brown skin. We have two human children who happen to have skin closer to the color of mine. Around here, on the rare occasion that our skin comes up at all, which probably isn’t any more often than it does in your family, we talk about pink skin and brown skin. I’d toss out the currently-trendy, “In my family, we don’t see color,” but I just think that’s dumb. Of course we see color. We see color for exactly what it is: The qualities of light reflected off of things, or in this case, people.Boom, done.
And that’s how it’s always been between Al and me. The day I met him, I noticed he had brown skin. After that, he was just Al. And I’ve already written our love story(<— A word of caution: Some of the writing in these love story posts makes me want to burn down the internet), but I’ll nutshell it for purposes of this post: We worked together for years and then we became good friends and then much, much later, we fell in love and got married. I’ll never forget the day I emailed a close friend in the very early stages of our romantic relationship. “I think I’m going to date Al, do you think that’s a bad idea?” I typed. I was asking her the question because Al and I still worked for the same firm, but she thought I meant because he’s brown, and she answered, “I couldn’t do it, but if you can, I think it’ll be great.” That floored me. Honestly, and I am seriously telling you truth here, the brown thing hadn’t been any sort of road block for me. But it was the first thing my friend considered when she contemplated Al and me as a couple.
I realize now that I’m happily and visibly ensconced in an interracial marriage I’m naturally insulated and pretty much the last soul on earth to whom any polite person would ever feel comfortable making observations about why people with different skin end up together. So I can’t pretend to know anyone else’s current mind on this topic. (Thankfully, Al and I have only ever heard one overt expression of disapproval of our relationship, and that one was hurled at us from the back of a motorcycle as its rider flew past us at 65 miles an hour. As you can imagine, we were terribly disappointed to miss out on the opportunity buy that guy a cup of coffee and listen, enraptured, as he thoughtfully explained his own personal opinions and feelings about our marriage.) But before I met and married my husband, I’d heard many theories on why white women marry black men. So I thought, now that I’ve been married to Al for almost ten years, it might be interesting to share my own personal perspective and experiences as they pertain to the most common of those theories.
1. White women marry black men because they can’t get a white man to marry them.Gosh. Aside from pointing out that this theory implies a white woman somehow settles for less by marrying a black man and is overtly racist and wrong and doesn’t even deserve consideration, I’ll just say this: My first marriage and all of my other dating relationships, from mere flirtations to serious commitments/engagements (which I broke off) were with white men. Al is the first black man I ever dated, and not because I wouldn’t have dated black men — just because no other black men ever asked me out. I wasn’t out to find a white man and couldn’t. I was out to find the best man for me, and did.
2. White women marry black men because they know a black man will be grateful to a white woman who will marry him, and thus she’ll have most of the control in the relationship. Again, racism much? But that aside, if Al is any more grateful to me for marrying him than I am to him for marrying me and all of my messed-up crazy, he’s delusional. I know both of us well, and believe me, I got the far better end of this deal. I was keenly aware of that going into our marriage. (I’m a pretty shrewd negotiator.) And actually, one of the reasons that I married Al was because I knew he’d never let me get away with any of the ridiculous stuff other men had. I wanted an equal partner I could trust to neither try to dominate me nor let me dominate him. It’s not that I’ve been a controlling monster in any of my relationships, it’s just that I’d never been with a man who had Al’s quiet strength or instinct and ability to lead. His leadership lets me relax a bit, and I like relaxing.
3. White women marry black men because they’re more romantic than white men. I can’t say it’s because he’s black, but honestly, Al is the most romantic man I ever dated. I think it’s more likely because he was older and more mature than any of the men I’d dated prior to him and thus knew more and had a greater comfort level with expressing his feelings in words and actions. But also I think Al’s just always been genuinely interested and good at in making other people feel special and important. I’d seen this quality in him, one that made him stand out among everyone I knew, male or female, black, white or otherwise, long before romance entered the picture. I love Al’s romantic side, but I’d guess it’s a natural extension of that quality vs. linked to his ethnicity.
4. White women marry black men because black men have – ahem – certain anatomical advantages over white men in the bedroom. I suppose it’d be inappropriate to just shout “BOLOGNA!” and let that be it, huh? (Giggle.) I probably don’t have enough data points on my grid, so to speak, to either confirm or deny this theory, but I can assure you that I wouldn’tmarry a man solely because he had a great big data point. I’m much more into Al’s ginormous brain and heart. He also has a freakishly large smile, and that thing? Makes my toes curl with pleasure.
5. White women marry black men because they’re more attracted to black men/think black men are better looking than white men. Okay. Have you seen Al? He’s gorgeous. I love his dark eyes and his amazing smooth, velvety brown skin and even his perfectly round, sleek, nearly-clean-shaven head (yes!). The guy is smokin’. And for purposes of illustration only, I also think Denzel is very easy on the eyes, and Blair Underwood makes my teeth sweat a little, as does Will Smith (especially in Hitch). But dude. George Clooney? Adam Levine? SHERLOCK (the Benedict Cumberbatch one)? Yeah, white guys are nice, too. (Not that I’m looking, and if Al asks you, I think Bruno Mars is hideous, okay?)
6. White women marry black men to rebel and/or make a social statement. I can’t deny that I value the message my family sends to people who see us and know us about progress and equality, love and acceptance. And I pray that Al and I and other couples like us just showing up, bold and together, in this generation, will bring more and more freedom to our kids and their kids to espouse wide-open views of what love and commitment can look like for them. But true social change activists, we are not. In the truest sense of the phrase, we’re lovers, not fighters. And at 41 and 36, we’d both wrapped up the rebellious phases of our lives a decade before we said our vows. We got married in a quest for peace, not conflict.
A man just confessed to me that he is in love with someone who has turned his world upside down. This woman that he saw from a distance would soon become his wife. He knew from the moment his eye lids lifted that the vision before him was so stunning and so magnificent his lips began to quiver. I am telling you this woman reminded him of Eve in the garden, Samson’s Delilah, Abraham’s old attractive wife, and Jacob’s Rachel. If you recall Jacob within the pages of scripture he loved Rachel at first sight. This woman was equipped with all the bells and whistles of a 7 series BMW. She was in all practical terms the perfect woman. This man mutters some words only a gifted linguist can recognize and she still says yes to whatever he just said. Exchanging the proverbial number and parting ways this man overjoyed by the encounter goes to the mall to update his clothing.
Who would have guessed that the mall he chose and the time in which to go, this Rachel like woman would also be there too. It just so happens, they both were looking to update their clothing. He confronts her again and they chat a little and then they part again, only this time a date is confirmed at Ruth’s Chris Steak House. Delighted to make reservations and to plan a wonderful evening of getting to know his better half, nothing could be so perfect, so grand and spectacular.
So the dinner date is arranged and this man and his perfect woman are out on a date. Shortly into the date this man finds out this woman does not believe in God. He knows that the Bible says that a man or woman should not be unequally yoked, but he reminds himself that she is perfect the way she is. A little disturbed by this because he is Christian, he decides to continue the relationship, because what would Jesus do? Get her saved. Right?
They have been dating for six months now and he is ready to marry her. She is not saved and his attempts to present Christ were met with let’s agree to disagree. This man finds himself at the decision point when purchasing the ring, but he keeps recalling those light brown eyes and those perfect bells and whistles.
So he plunges in and they get married and the honeymoon could not be better. They stayed at their beautiful home, because the wedding was so expensive there was no money left over for a trip to Europe or the Bahamas.
The fire of passion fades and the flames are dialed down and this man gets more zealous about his relationship with Jesus. His wife is not pleased with his time at church, as she does not attend, due to the fact she does not believe in God. Then something happens…
Please comment – should they have gotten married? If no or yes please answer why?
My husband and I attend a large Protestant church of the superfunrockband denomination. On Wednesday evenings, our church holds small group Bible studies, and HHG and I attend the one for married couples. We meet in a large room and split into small groups, each group with its own table and leader.
This past week was rough because the topic was sex. I just could not believe that all the things we joke about Christians saying were actually said. For example, one young woman actually used the women-are-like-a-crockpot crock of crap. This is not true, in case anyone has not figured it out yet. It does not take a woman, Christian or otherwise, eight hours to become sexually aroused. The idea that a man needs to spend eight hours giving her tender kisses, helping with the laundry, telling her how much he loves her, and bringing her flowers just to turn her on is wrong. She may like all those things very much, they may be nice things to do, but they will not make her sexually aroused. Why do Christian women keep telling men this? It’s like we’ve all succumbed to mass delusion.
Unbelievably, another woman told the group how hot it is when her husband does the dishes and plays with the kids. She actually said that as a serious comment, and all the other ladies laughed and nodded. HHG immediately texted me under the table, wishing to know why, if women find men doing dishes to be so irresistibly arousing, why has he never received a bl*w j*b while up to his elbows in soap suds. I could no longer stand it, so I whipped out my iPad and looked up a recent study, refuting her blue pill bull pucky by reading aloud the following quote:
A February paper in the American Sociological Review reported that married couples in which men take on a greater share of the dishes, laundry and other traditionally female chores had sex less often than average, which in this study was about five times a month. Yet couples in which men confined themselves largely to traditionally male chores such as yard work enjoyed sex more frequently than average.
Taken to the extreme, men who performed all the traditionally female chores would have had sex 1.6 times less often than men who did none of them. The study authors, from the Juan March Institute in Madrid and the University of Washington, arrived at the correlation by crunching data from the National Survey of Families and Households (NFSH), which gathered survey information from 4,500 U.S. married couples. The researchers ruled out any kind of coercion on the part of the “manly” chore-performing husbands by looking at data from the same survey on sexual satisfaction: they found that women from households with more traditional divisions of labor felt no less happy with their sex lives than women in more gender-neutral ones. Read more
Women are actually quite turned on by a man’s face, body and movement, say Meston and Buss. “Sexually, women are attracted to men with masculine features, although not too masculine,” Meston explains. “A little light stubble is usually a turn-on for women if it’s clean and well-kept. Body-wise, women generally find men with a V-shaped torso or a high shoulder-to-hip ratio sexually attractive. Motion is important, too, as women find athletic prowess and agility to be sexual turn-ons.”
People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). When it comes to women they have eyes like men and are turned on by physical features like a man. That is why athletes can run through women like water and why white women spend thousands of dollars to go to Jamaica to have sex with fit black men.
Christian women work hard to fight against the natural attraction they have in the flesh and instead choose to lie to protect themselves from the vulnerability of being found shallow and from expecting more from a partner than they bring to the table. They also want to protect their fat husband from shame, while even Christian women find themselves drooling over fit men on television.
The bottom line is this. Stay in the truth. The truth will set free those who are held within lies clutches and be honest in your relationship with your spouse. Gluttony is a sin. There is nothing wrong with eating healthy and exercising a little to trim some fat and be better appealing to your lover in the flesh.
P.S. Even though it is true Christian or no Christian we like attractive people, we should strive to be like Jesus and love from heart to heart.
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